I have watched people die. As an EMT, I’ve been in the presence of a body separated from its soul as we fought to reunite the two. As a child and grandchild, I’ve sat beside a loved one as they’ve taken their final breath.
Each event is as traumatic and life altering as the next. Yes, with a loved one, there are more emotions, more memories to haunt you in the moment. Death though, is a chilling thing to witness. The finality of that moment is the worst reminder that our own lives as merely an semblance of breathes we get to take.
There are some that are easier to witness than others. The 98-year-old who hasn’t remembered his own name for twelve years for instance, death in his life is the end of suffering for him and the end of sleepless nights and stress for their loved ones. The 24-year-old mother whose life was cut short by a mistake on the road, though, that death seems cruel. Cruel to her and the years she will miss watching her child grow, cruel to her family who will struggle through sleepless nights and stress about how to move on.
Death is never on time. It either comes early, stealing away memories and time with someone taken too soon, or it comes late forcing one to suffer in pain and agony until their turn to find peace.
The Current Season
This past summer, death affected our family once again as we buried the last member of my grandparent’s generation. My grandmother lived a good long life, most of which she was able to enjoy, even in there were years where her beliefs, her standards, and her ways caused rifts between many of us in the family. I was proud to know on that day in June as we stood in a muddy cemetery where her body now lies next to my grandfather and her later husband that both she and him spent very little time during their lives suffering from illness or the effects of their age.
On the flip side, as I write this, there are others who suffer from cancer. Their bodies defy them as they literally eat themselves from the inside out, taking with it their peace, their hope, and their ability to enjoy life as it was just weeks ago. And while they are still here, still fighting, I can’t help but wonder how much of that fight is out of anger and an unwillingness to cross the bridge to spend time in the presence of God. I can’t help but wonder how hard it would be to be angry with God and long for his infinite, eternal healing in the same breath.
Recognizing My Own Fears
As we deal with these events and as I find myself feeling my age more and more, I come to find that I am not ready to meet that moment in time. Oh, I know where I’ll go in the next moment and beyond. I know that pain, suffering, and hell will be far from me then, but here, now I am getting to enjoy life. I’m watching my kids grow and learn. I’m enjoying the ever-shifting colors of our world as flowers bloom and clouds float across the sunrise.
In death, life as I know it will be done. I’m only now beginning to enjoy this time, to cherish it. I fear losing it when the reaper comes to separate who I am from who I’ll forever be.
I cherish each day, each gift. I try not to think how many more days are behind me tonight as lay before me in the morning.
J.Rhett Lively 